Sunday, June 17, 2007

Somesthetic Hallucinations

All I remember is the pain. I know that I felt much more when it happened, but right now all I can recall it the migraine-like pain in my fingers aching so much I thought I was facing the end of everything. The closest thing I ever came to non-existence though, was throwing up so many times my digestive tract and palate burned from stomach acid, and blood pumping through my heart so fast it almost lost its beat. Oddly enough I felt so alive when it was over, fearfully hoping it would hit me again.

Sometimes I feel that pain, but these days it’s so brief that I tend to wonder afterwards if it were ever really there, or if I just remember it so clearly that I fool myself into feeling it. Sometimes I think the brief recollection of the pain in my fingers is my sensory system reminding me of its non-sensible ability to overstimulate itself.

Just to demonstrate its autonomy or something.

My mother once told me that she took pleasure in the pain inflicted on her teeth by her dentist. Or slight toothache it may have been, because in all honesty I don’t remember the details of our conversation, except I think she told me while driving her light blue Volvo, with me strapped tightly to the passenger seat.

Her confession left a deep impression on me though. Perhaps because she didn’t act like she was disclosing a secret at all, but rather told me like she would tell me just about anything else.

The pain in my fingers never occurred until years later when I was in my early twenties, and I don’t think I ever told her. In fact I didn’t tell anyone that I would often feel the weight of heavy metal landing on my three middle fingers, making my body convulse like crazy, leaving me with muscular stiffness that lasted for hours, and my entire hand strangely intact.

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