Friday, February 28, 2014

dog's balls, sex tapes and other such click bait

Thanks to the algorithms of Google, this blog space has inadvertently become the go-to source for a lot of people looking to get smarter on a true plethora of subjectsin particular dog's balls (as in, testicles) and the Pamela Anderson-Brett Michaels sex tape - both of them subjects, which I may or may not have blogged about once upon a time.

Anyway, a while back I started collecting some of the keywords that direct people to my little corner of the interweb, because guys, the stuff that drives traffic is interesting to say the least.

1) "Le Dejeuner Sur L'Herbe"
When people enter this, I'm pretty sure they're looking for Manet's 19th century masterpiece, and not the postmodern von Trapp family below by artist Pepe Smith, which I posted back in 2010. And yet, people seem to get all "forget Manet, let's check out this bent over naked dude" when they see my post.

(Speaking of which, don't you love how the mom is all: "Darling, what do you mean, this is not how kids at your school picnic?")

2) "Katie Holmes big legs"
Mowing on. To Katie Holmes big legs, to be exact. And it's true. I once blogged about Katie Holmes' big legs (in my defence, it comes up as one of Google's auto-complete options when you search for Katie Holmes) and I have thus contributed to the unhealthy internet obsession with this one, single imperfection to Katie Holmes' otherwise perfect physique.

Making other women feel bad about their bodies stinks, but here's a thought: I think it just surprises people that she has such good, sturdy legs when everything else about her is so dainty and Katherine Hepburn. And considering the body images dominating Hollywood, I say it's a welcome surprise. In fact, her legs make me like her even more :O)

3) "Show me a diagram of milk"
Interestingly, many people like to consult me on dairy, namely on what exactly makes whipped cream a colloid. Also, someone once commanded Google to "SHOW ME A DIAGRAM OF MILK" and Google was all "WTF, you're not the boss of us!" and just decided to send that person to my blog as punishment.

4) "Hand bra"
A hand bra? Does such a thing even exist? Yes, it does and Maria Carey once wore it with grace on the cover of OK magazine! A lot of people come to my blog looking for this and get rewarded, but come away empty-handed (pun intended) when they search for "Busty Sarah Carlson" and "Busty country girls", which also drives a lot of traffic.

5) "Chicken with no head survives"
Is that even possible, you wonder? Why, yes it is! Mike the headless chicken, whom I've blogged about at length here, did indeed live a good, long and healthy life after being decapitated.

6) "Man turned into panties" 
Was this person actually looking for a man who mysteriously transformed into a pair of panties, or was he a little hasty when he typed in his keywords in Google and meant simply "man turned on by panties"? Those are the kind of questions that keep me up at night.

7) "Just exactly how many are there?"
Which begs the question, how many what? I also wonder how "Fish holding plastic bags" is even possible. Can their fins withstand the weight?

8) "Cute Los Angeles souvenirs for toddler"
I sincerely doubt that whoever searched for this got any smarter after visiting my blog, so to prevent that from ever happening again, I'd like to propose these, which I find fully embody the city's driving under the influence/live strong and die young-glam kind of life style - while still being useful and suitable for your toddler.  

Sunday, February 23, 2014

I Now Believe That A Chinese Woman Was Actually Bit In Half

These are all from the National Geographic Found tumblr, where I accidentally spent a solid chunk of a full workday the other week. Oops.

Speaking of the last photo, Johan told me a story about a Chinese lady out on a night safari who was bit in half by a hippopotamus - apparently because it was so upset she snagged a photo of it using flash. I found the story questionable to say the least - until, that is, I saw the size and texture of the pearly-whites on that thing. (!)

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

A Story in Which Wooden Chips Drop From My Lady Parts (and I decide to share more trivial and personal news)

OK, so admittedly that is one misleading headline, because of course no wooden chips have actually dropped from my vag. Instead I dreamt it, and although I once listened to an episode on This American Life where they concluded that no one should ever recount their dreams to other people because, in short, nobody cares!, I will go ahead and tell you anyway. (In part, because Johan always thinks my dreams are so fascinating. Whenever I tell him about a dream I had, he goes: "This is so fascinating, tell me more!")

So, I was in a public bathroom stall, the kind where there's a gap beneath and above the door, and as I rose from the toilet seat and was about to pull up my panties, little wooden chips started to drop from my you know what.

As luck would have it, there was a broomstick and a dustpan in said bathroom stall, and seeing I felt a bit awkward about the thought of people outside being able to see all the wooden chips on the floor, I immediately started sweeping it all up and disposing it in the toilet bowl (which, at second thought I probably shouldn't have done because most likely wooden chips are floaters).


So what does this mean, you ask? I have no idea. At one point it occurred to me that it might be a symptom of a semi-conscious worry of being barren or missing my window of child conception. You know, my ovaries drying up and turning into wooden chips and yada yada. It could mean something even more weird, so if you're a dream interpreter by profession, please do not let me know what this means. I think I kinda prefer not to know.

In other news, we have a very beautiful bright red mango at our house, which I think is so fascinating I feel tempted to parade it around our compound and ask everyone: "Will you look at this bright red mango?!" But then I remind myself that to Kenyans, mangoes are pretty much the equivalent of, say, a dinner roll, and thus may not be equally fascinating to them.

In additional news, I've just finished Dave Eggers' The Circle, which is by far the most apocalyptic piece of writing I have ever read. (Believe me, Kafka's Metamorphosis is like a cute little story about a bug, in comparison.) In short, it's about this 20-something woman who takes a job at The Circle - a corporation that's some sort of future fusion of Google and Facebook, and if you ever want to feel depressed and anxious about the social media imperative of sharing and the consequences of BIG DATA, then this is your go to read. I love Eggers, but this, my friends, gave me nausea. Also, it did not end on a happy note, as few apocalyptic novels are wont to do.

Also, this just in: I bought flowers. I have reached that age, where flowers make me deliriously happy and I look at this bouquet something like 50 times a day and it makes me smile inside. In somewhat related news, Johan has reached the age where he has taken up golf.

In breaking news, I've started taking classes at my gym, and you know what, I love it! I always thought I'd hate it because I have such poor coordination skills, but it turns out that the ladies I exercise with are even worse off than me. We have the most amazing instructor who keeps asking "Ladies, are we together?!" until he has the entire mirrored room roaring "YES PRESTONE, WE ARE TOGETHER!"

In general, this guy has many words of wisdom to share, my favorite being:

Sure, there's something slightly tautological to his way of reasoning, but nonetheless it resonates with me.

In our last segment for tonight, I'd like to share that I recently took it upon me to manually remove 75% of the down in our duvets because they were just too damn heavy and hot to sleep under. As a result they're now superbly lightweight, but the process, oh my god the process! It looked like I had been in a bar fight with a chicken!

Think twice before you slit open a duvet and remove down, is all I can say, and if I can impart just a few piece of advice on you then it's:
1) Don't try this at home unless you have a hoover and/or a very large lint roller, and
2) Try not to breathe. I'm still waiting for THIS to happen because of all the down I inhaled.

So, where did this odd mix of tidbits post come from, you may or may not wonder. Well, it occurred to me that the blogs I really like are the ones that are personal and heavy on trivial, every-day stuff. I love seeing pictures of people's grandparents and their half-consumed breakfast plate, and on the contrary I sort of feel meh about all those curated wish lists and gluten-free recipes. So I thought I'd cut down on all the quinoa and unprocessed grains in this blog space and get a tad more wheat-y and personal too :O)

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

A very long post documenting a very short getaway

It's funny how moving to a new continent changes your idea of a good weekend outing. In Copenhagen, I think I would have been inclined to spend my Saturday visiting a gourmet food store, going through the racks at H & M or perhaps watching DVD box sets back-to-back visiting a museum.

In Nairobi, where few such consumerist pleasures exist, you're like to go camping instead.

Seeing neither Johan and I are experienced campers - in fact, I've never once gone camping nor do I count rucksacks or portable stoves among my worldly possessions - we figured it would be both safer and more cost-effective to check into a lodge. (Camping gear is expensive you guys, and the Lion Hill Game Lodge, which we stayed at in Lake Nakuru National Park cost about $300 for two nights, full board. Good deal right?)

So, without further ado, here's how it all went down, in very meticulous and somewhat chronological order:
First thing we did was buy Safari cigarettes. I specifically asked for the kind that don't harm you, but only the people in your vicinity, and luckily they had that exact kind. (Btw to all parents out there, I'd like to add that we didn't actually smoke these. Just brought them as dashboard-decoration. To look a little rugged.) 

The minute we entered the national park, we saw a beautiful zebra and decided to call it a day and head straight for the lodge.

Once there, we got drinks on the deck and enjoyed the sunset. (Johan is being a real champ here, trying to look comfortable in those chairs, which, believe me, where anything but.)

Even Hillary was excited :)

In the morning, we had breakfast here. It was a breakfast buffet, and wow, buffet behavior is weird. If I were a stand-up comedian I would do a bit that opened like this: "So what's the deal with buffets?!" And then I would crack some mildly amusing jokes at best. So let's not go there. 

Calories! Calories! Calories! It's important to stock up on calories when you're gonna sit inside a car all day.

Right outside the lodge, we spotted this little guy who was all: "Take me with you and feed me potato chips". (On a somewhat related note, a baboon had crashed into our hotel room the night before, going straight for that little cup where they put instant coffee and creamer for you to enjoy. It was the weirdest moment ever, standing eye-to-eye with a baboon caught red-handed with sachets of sugar in its...paw? hand? Whatevs.)


More beautiful.

I could have spat on this rhino - not that I would've, but that's how close to it we were. At one point it started budging, and I thought "omg, it's gonna eat us", but all it did was tilt over to its side, exactly like a dog would, and let out a good, long, healthy fart. And then it dosed off to sleep.

Want one of these. It will be my first piece of camping gear.

Buffaloes pick the best backdrops.

Such a nice guy.

In fact, Johan is such a nice guy he encouraged me to drive his car, even though I haven't driven a car since the year 2002. As you can see, going 20 kilometers per hour felt thrilling!

Lush! I may have increased the saturation of this photo, but still!

There were so many pregnant lady zebras waddling around, snacking and chatting about mommy blogs :O)
The view from Baboon Cliff, as it was called. The water level was extremely high, flooding roads as well as trees, which made for an oddly beautiful view.

This little vermin was also enjoying the view. I love how it looks as if it's trying really hard to look serious. Sucking in its cheeks and lover lip :)

Lord knows I'm not photogenic. It always looks as if I'm in some sort of pain. (The third picture of this post, being a near perfect example.) Anyway, by now Johan has found this nifty little trick of taking a picture right when I think I'm done posing, and while the result is not downright elegant, I definitely look more at ease.
When we got back to the lodge, we headed straight for the pool. Johan had forgot his trunks and had to swim in his boxers, which shouldn't really make that much a difference, except somehow it does. If I were a stand-up comedian, I would do a bit that opened like this: "So what's the deal with people who go swimming in their underwear?"
Yup. The guy working the pool at the lodge was a dead-ringer for Moses Hightower in The Police Academy. A friendly giant, he was :)
THE END! Phew, sorry that was a very long post, that should probably have been split in two. (I always get so annoyed when bloggers don't know how to edit, and you're like dude, your parsnip fries look delish, but I don't need to see FIVE pictures of them.)