Friday, February 28, 2014

dog's balls, sex tapes and other such click bait

Thanks to the algorithms of Google, this blog space has inadvertently become the go-to source for a lot of people looking to get smarter on a true plethora of subjectsin particular dog's balls (as in, testicles) and the Pamela Anderson-Brett Michaels sex tape - both of them subjects, which I may or may not have blogged about once upon a time.

Anyway, a while back I started collecting some of the keywords that direct people to my little corner of the interweb, because guys, the stuff that drives traffic is interesting to say the least.

1) "Le Dejeuner Sur L'Herbe"
When people enter this, I'm pretty sure they're looking for Manet's 19th century masterpiece, and not the postmodern von Trapp family below by artist Pepe Smith, which I posted back in 2010. And yet, people seem to get all "forget Manet, let's check out this bent over naked dude" when they see my post.

(Speaking of which, don't you love how the mom is all: "Darling, what do you mean, this is not how kids at your school picnic?")

2) "Katie Holmes big legs"
Mowing on. To Katie Holmes big legs, to be exact. And it's true. I once blogged about Katie Holmes' big legs (in my defence, it comes up as one of Google's auto-complete options when you search for Katie Holmes) and I have thus contributed to the unhealthy internet obsession with this one, single imperfection to Katie Holmes' otherwise perfect physique.

Making other women feel bad about their bodies stinks, but here's a thought: I think it just surprises people that she has such good, sturdy legs when everything else about her is so dainty and Katherine Hepburn. And considering the body images dominating Hollywood, I say it's a welcome surprise. In fact, her legs make me like her even more :O)

3) "Show me a diagram of milk"
Interestingly, many people like to consult me on dairy, namely on what exactly makes whipped cream a colloid. Also, someone once commanded Google to "SHOW ME A DIAGRAM OF MILK" and Google was all "WTF, you're not the boss of us!" and just decided to send that person to my blog as punishment.

4) "Hand bra"
A hand bra? Does such a thing even exist? Yes, it does and Maria Carey once wore it with grace on the cover of OK magazine! A lot of people come to my blog looking for this and get rewarded, but come away empty-handed (pun intended) when they search for "Busty Sarah Carlson" and "Busty country girls", which also drives a lot of traffic.

5) "Chicken with no head survives"
Is that even possible, you wonder? Why, yes it is! Mike the headless chicken, whom I've blogged about at length here, did indeed live a good, long and healthy life after being decapitated.

6) "Man turned into panties" 
Was this person actually looking for a man who mysteriously transformed into a pair of panties, or was he a little hasty when he typed in his keywords in Google and meant simply "man turned on by panties"? Those are the kind of questions that keep me up at night.

7) "Just exactly how many are there?"
Which begs the question, how many what? I also wonder how "Fish holding plastic bags" is even possible. Can their fins withstand the weight?

8) "Cute Los Angeles souvenirs for toddler"
I sincerely doubt that whoever searched for this got any smarter after visiting my blog, so to prevent that from ever happening again, I'd like to propose these, which I find fully embody the city's driving under the influence/live strong and die young-glam kind of life style - while still being useful and suitable for your toddler.  

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